Optical Obstacles

Glasses. I got them in fourth grade. They were not my favorite thing. But it was nice to be able to see.

I upgraded to contacts as a sophomore in high school. Gas permeable contacts. That was the most painful thing I have ever done to myself. Worse than child birth. Child birth included pain relief. There was no relief from the excruciating pain in my eyes from those two tiny pieces of plastic. 

And then I had to take. them. out.

It has been years and the thought still makes me want to die.

I laid at my grandmother's house in a fetal position, eyes closed for the two hours of the first day. Two hours twice in one day. Three to four hours the next day. Longest four hours ever. (I was at my grandmother's because my home town had rotten eye doctors who missed how blind I was becoming in third grade. The level of medical care in Salt Lake was much higher than in the desolate desert mining community of Rock Springs.)

I kept going back to Salt Lake for my eye appointments for years. I was nearly thirty years old, living in Idaho, and almost pregnant with my second child, the last time I went to Salt Lake for an eye appointment. Or maybe it was a year or two later, everything became a blur after that second child.

After much trial and travail we finally found an eye doctor in the Treasure Valley of Idaho, just down the road in fact. I know that happen before my third child was five. Because that is about when I got my brain back.

And my eyes have gotten older and needed what essential amounts to bi-focals. But thank goodness, I put up with contacts and got totally used to them, because that actually turned out well as I mentioned in this post.

In any case I have had years of visiting the eye doctor. Of the seven people who live, or once lived, in my house six currently need glasses or contacts in order to see. And the other one has some weird disease called Congenital Fourth Nerve Palsy which apparently makes him see double. "But don't worry mom, my brain knows that there really aren't two of everything, so it stitches the double images my eyes sometimes see together." Great to know son...

Correcting my vision has been a blessing in my life. I have thought about the miracle that it is and been intensely grateful for the blessing of sight. So many things are easier to do because I can see them.

But something in life are not see-able or foreseeable. Somethings have to be taken on faith. Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Faith that taking that next step into the darkness is the correct course. 

Quoting several scriptures, James E. Faust once said, "To those who say, “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief,” may I suggest that “you look forward with an eye of faith.” To those who do this, the Lord has promised, “I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart.” (October 2003)

The Holy Ghost, the third member of the Godhead, is an interesting spirit. He doesn’t exactly reach out and smack you upside the head. In fact He has never done that to me. For years I kept waiting for a still small voice. Can’t think of that ever happening; at least not as a voice telling me something to do. I have gotten song lyrics running through my head, that I have decided is the Holy Ghost speaking in a way I can understand. But a voice – no.

As for that burning in my bosom promised in the Doctrine and Covenants. Okay that one - I remember, telling me that something was true or right. But usually it is a pretty small burning, one that I can easily ignore, if I am not paying good attention.

I find most of the time I am looking for direction in my life. “Hey I’m lost down here and need to know which way to head. I really, really don’t enjoy stepping off into the dark and hoping I am headed the right way, so could you send something? Please?” That kind of stuff.

I have actually gotten better at being able to say, “One step’s enough for me.” But I still like to know that first step. Over the year I have figured out how to find it. And it does have something to do with the way I started this rambling post.

When I am trying to figure out which way I should head, I find that I tend to ponder over my options. I consider this one and that one, thinking about the pros and cons. Considering the consequences. And as I do this for an extended period (like more than three minutes), it is a lot like going to the eye doctor and having them flip back an forth between the lenses on the big optical machine hanging from the ceiling. “Is number one better. Or two?”

At some point in my pondering, it as if the Spirit flips the correct lens into my sight and suddenly everything is clear and sharp, and just like I know that is the right optical power to aid my less than perfect eyes, I know that this clearly is the answer to which path I should pursue.

So now I am better able to step forth, despite the optical obstacle of not seeing the end from the beginning, with faith in my Savior and the guidance He sends through the Holy Spirit, saying "lead thou me on".