The conversation continued with compliments about my family and how marvelous and appreciated my children's talents are. And finished with the lovely job that some one else did putting together a band for Valentine's Day. (A band that I sang lead for. BTW. Not a mention...)
While appreciation flowed through the conversation, I somehow left it feeling manipulated and under appreciated. I wanted to believe that perhaps the complemenor told others how amazing I was, but I didn't have great faith in that. Mostly I felt the sting of being the other one singing with the accomplished musician.
And I wondered why I felt this way? I have, in fact struggled with these feelings for years. That conversation occurred a year ago this spring. But I have known people who could wield a compliment like a whip. A stinging, cracking thing that brought no joy.
As I thought it over it came to my mind that sometimes compliments increase the joy and confidence of the recipient and sometimes they diminish.
I remembered the talk by Elder Jeffrey Holland called The Tongue of Angels. He delivered it in April 2007 and at the time I recognized the truth in this statement.
"...try not to compare your children, even if you think you are skillful at it. You may say most positively that 'Susan is pretty and Sandra is bright,' but all Susan will remember is that she isn’t bright, and Sandra that she isn’t pretty. Praise each child individually for what that child is, and help him or her escape our culture’s obsession with comparing, competing, and never feeling we are 'enough.'"Just the other day I spoke with a dear friend who said to me, "I think that I can name good the talents and good qualities of all of my siblings, but I am not sure that I can a name single thing that I do well."
I told her that she was intelligent and capable. A person with whom I loved to spend time talking about life. And she is incredibly strong, and resilient. Despite the struggle of her youth and the less than positive words she has often been subjected to, she was triumphing. She listened to the opinions of others, opinions both helpful and otherwise, weighed them, and then from them carved her own way to a career and family that is a beautiful joy to behold.
And she responded to that compliment in the best way possible by simply saying, "Thank you."
Because that is the other side of this issue. Awkward responses to compliments. Not only do some folks give backhanded or loaded compliments, often the receiver deflects or destroys the the compliment with, "I am really not that great." "It was nothing." Or occasionally, "Yes I am amazing."
The perfect answer is "thank you". And a smile. Really that is all. You don't have to elaborate. Say thank you. Smile. And then let the moment pass.
So here I am a year later. I have identified what I was feeling that day, why it reminded me of others times from my past, and what I should do - which is smile graciously and then go find someone who will give me a real compliment to erase the sting of the non-compliment.
To finish my story. I didn't sing with the most amazing voice in the valley on that Sunday exactly a year ago today. She had something come up. A trip to visit family or something. I called the person of diminishing compliments to let him know that there would be a change.
He was going to be out of town.
I said not to worry. I would take care of it.
So I asked my oldest and vocally talented son to sing with me. He graciously agreed. I found the perfect song for which he, a bass, sang tenor. (Choir was a success as far as stretching his range and developing his falsetto voice.)
It was a perfect experience I will treasure always.
If you want to hear our song visit the link below
Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer arr by Melissa Miller
(We sang it in the same octave. I was singing the top part, he was singing the lower voice.The blend and sound was airy and yet strong in conviction.)
When it was over, someone told me, "That was amazing."
And I said, "Thank you."
