Surrendering Control = Peace

As the days go by I have noticed something. My kids are growing up. It is a good thing. A happy thing. Frankly it kind of excites me. Yes I miss the little chubby hands in mine and the snugly warm chunks of sleepy clean toddlers in fuzzy pajamas after a bath. I miss the delighted look after a light bulb clicks on and suddenly they are walking, talking, reading, biking... 

And sometimes I even miss the dependence. The complete need for me. Mostly I don't because it was exhausting, but as the parent of teenagers, I do get tired of being "stupid" and "out of touch". And I do feel that tiny bit of utter panic as they launch themselves into the world.

Yet I shouldn't. I shouldn't worry and I shouldn't feel a frantic need to run their lives. I know that. I know that deeply. Every time I feel that frantic need to jump into a situation and start damage control I remember.

con·trolkənˈtrōl/
noun
the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events.

About this time two years ago in January 2013, my oldest child was struggling in a class, I was struggling as a parent. I wanted to help him. I wanted to take over and make this work, even do the work. I fretted over his ability to understand the material. Was the teacher any good? Was my child the problem? How would he get scholarships if he got a low grade in this subject? I worried that he was not going to survive this class and while I did my best to remember how to do that stuff, I was slightly put out that I was taking this class again twenty five years later. I got an A the first time. (Thanks Mr Varras!) Why did I have to do it again?

During this season I was praying for help. Praying to know what I could do to assist this child. I remember distinctly the impression that came. It was a clear impression to be still and let this child swim or flounder and/or sink on his own. I saw that this was his life and his problem. If he didn't get a scholarship that was not my worry. I had done all I could do when I was in high school to qualify for a scholarship. If this child didn't he would have to figure out another way on his own. 

This child needed to figure it out himself. And he did. In ways that astonished me. His grade still wasn't what I wanted, but he received a scholarship for part of college anyway. Then he went and learned about other funding options on his own and in a way that impressed me with his thoughtfulness and planning.

I grew and matured greatly due to that experience. 

I had always believed that I had a responsibility for my children's education, and I do. I need to teach them to be responsible. I need to make sure they get the skills and knowledge they need to be successful in life. I need to teach them about God and His plan for us. And I need to make sure that they can work both physically and mentally. I don't need to sit in their classes and keep track of their assignments. I never need to do work for them, but I do keep tabs on their grades and remind/advise/nag when needed. 

So far somewhere around the time they turn sixteen, I find it becomes important for them to take over nearly complete control of their choices with school and life. Not that I've opened all the boundaries and made our home and their lives in it a rule free zone. Nor have I stopped checking grades and being a sounding board for them, but I have to trust that I have taught them enough and not follow behind them out in the world like I did when they were learning to ride a bike and cross the street.

President Boyd K Packer of the Twelve Apostles related this story about control and children,

"Several weeks ago I had in my office a four-star general and his wife; they were very impressive people. They admire the Church because of the conduct of our youth. The general’s wife mentioned her children, of whom she is justly proud. But she expressed a deep concern. 'Tell me,' she said, 'how you are able to control your youth and build such character as we have seen in your young men?'

I was interested in her use of the word ‘control’. The answer, I told them, centered in the doctrines of the gospel. They were interested; so I spoke briefly of the doctrine of agency. I said we develop control by teaching freedom. Perhaps at first they thought we start at the wrong end of the subject. A four-star general is nothing if not a disciplinarian. But when one understands the gospel, it becomes very clear that the best control is self-control.

It may seem unusual at first to foster self-control by centering on freedom of choice, but it is a very sound doctrinal approach."

He goes on to explain, 

"The temptation your children will face will not come at home nor in the seminary class. It will come later, when they are away from both teacher and parent. One day you must set them free. When that day comes, how free will they be, and how safe? It will depend on how much truth they have received."

So last Thursday as I watched a mom of another teenage boy struggle over choir tour we are involved in planning, I reflected back on what I learned and how it is working out for me to live by that inspiration. I must say I am feeling peace. 

She wants to control all aspects of the trip so that no one will make a poor choice. She is worried that they won't have an educational experience. She thinks that if she is vigilante enough and has enough rules and enough service, educational, and competition filled activities planned for every second, she will stop the kids who want to find drugs and alcohol and sex on this trip.

I have my doubts, but wish her luck. She has an uphill battle against 128 kids, their ideas, their parents' ideas. And frankly the reality that you can't control much beyond your own  thoughts, appetites, speech, temper, and desires. 

Some, even many, of those kids are going to go and have a lovely trip choosing to exercise self control. A few will choose to try and do something stupid. A repeat of pretty much every high school trip ever taken.

Life is full of choices. And we all get to make them. Sometimes they are good. Sometimes our choices are not good. Sometimes they affect us and others and bring on the storms of life. Paulo Coelo, the author of the book The Alchemist said,

"I have seen many storms in my life. Most storms have caught me by surprise, so I had to learn very quickly to look further and understand that I am not capable of controlling the weather, to exercise the art of patience and to respect the fury of nature." 

I like to think that most storms in nature and life don't catch me by surprise, but some do. Some are truly furious, but they don't have to crush us. We don't have to fight them. We don't have to control them. We usually can't do either. But we can be patient. We can keep our head down and endure through them. Sometimes we can even take shelter in a doorway and find the beauty in them as they go by.

Back to my story.

A little over a year after the experience with the high school class, I watched that child turn eighteen, graduate from high school and then head three months later to a country where crime is rampant. He is serving the Lord there. Many would say not to worry, he will be fine. He is in the Lord's hands. And he is, but that is no guarantee that he will be safe. Missionaries have been kidnapped there. Raped. Killed by accidents. Not murdered yet, but lots of other people are murdered, daily, it isn't out of the question.

I truly have no control of any part of this situation.

A mother from church whose oldest son is the age of my youngest son asked me, "How do you do it? How do you let them go to such a scary place?"

The answer is two fold and has to do with the things that I can control. One - I have taught him self control and personal responsibility and thanks to the urging of the Holy Spirit; I watched him demonstrate those skills while he still lived under my roof. Two - I have faith that he is doing what he is supposed to be doing right now in his life. I have faith that he has been sent through inspiration to teach the struggling people of Guatemala about the plan of salvation and our Savior. 

I expect that he will return safely, but if not (Daniel 3:17-18), it is okay.

A great article about how to achieve this state of peace is found here.